Blast from the Past II - My Inner Woman
Another one from back in 00, this was a column I wrote for the now long-defunct media-wank.co.nz.
So, I thought it was about time to explore my feminine side, to explore my inner woman. Except she tends to ignore me like a lot of women do. So I figured what better way to entice and placate a reluctant woman than the female panacea - chocolate.
I like chocolate as much as the next guy, possibly a bit more - hell its
yummy stuff. And I like to cook, this gives me an added insight into the
pleasures of chocolate (for instance, chocolate chip cookies are yummy,
but before you cook them, they taste even better. That's why the Yanks invented cookie-dough ice cream). So here's my guide to the most guilty of the sins of the flesh, chocaholism.
The first step on the slippery slope to being a chocoholic is not being
allergic to the stuff. Sadly, there are many out there who can't eat
chocolate, their own bodies denying them the pleasure of a quick Kit-Kat in a quiet moment. The easiest way to find out if someone is allergic to chocolate is for them to eat some. Symptoms range from sneezing fits, to
migraines, to blistering of the tongue, to all-out anaphylactic shock. Poor suckers.
Step number two is to like chocolate, some people don't, hard to believe as it is there are some sick puppies who don't eat chocolate for no other reason than they don't want to. Sad cases, although with patience and Moro bars some can be treated and brought back to a normal life.
After that its just a matter of eating the stuff on a regular basis and
before you know it, you'll see a Magnum ad on the telly and find yourself on the way to the all-night petrol station at half past ten on what feels like the coldest night of the year to spend your last few bucks on chocolate ice cream coated in chocolate, dipped in chocolate sauce, then coated in more rich, sweet, creamy, luscious, dark, smooth, where was I? Oh yeah, chocolate. Not that I have any experience of things like that of course.
So to finish off, here's a tip for you aspiring chocoholics out there. The ultimate chocolate rush: A packets of Tim Tams and a big mug of hot chocolate (Milo will do, but hot chocolate is better). Bite off each end of a Tim Tam, seal your lips around one end, suck - feels like a straw doesn't it? Now stick it in the hot chocolate and use it like one. You'll get a mouthful of the hot chocolate, then you'll feel the Tim Tam start to collapse on itself - Quick, stuff it in your mouth. Instant gratification. And don't get me started on Cadbury Chocolate Liqueur!
Well, that extracted my inner woman, now she's about to run to the slot
machine and stuff herself with Peanut Slabs. I keep telling her it'll just go straight to my inner hips, but she doesn't listen, silly cow.
So, I thought it was about time to explore my feminine side, to explore my inner woman. Except she tends to ignore me like a lot of women do. So I figured what better way to entice and placate a reluctant woman than the female panacea - chocolate.
I like chocolate as much as the next guy, possibly a bit more - hell its
yummy stuff. And I like to cook, this gives me an added insight into the
pleasures of chocolate (for instance, chocolate chip cookies are yummy,
but before you cook them, they taste even better. That's why the Yanks invented cookie-dough ice cream). So here's my guide to the most guilty of the sins of the flesh, chocaholism.
The first step on the slippery slope to being a chocoholic is not being
allergic to the stuff. Sadly, there are many out there who can't eat
chocolate, their own bodies denying them the pleasure of a quick Kit-Kat in a quiet moment. The easiest way to find out if someone is allergic to chocolate is for them to eat some. Symptoms range from sneezing fits, to
migraines, to blistering of the tongue, to all-out anaphylactic shock. Poor suckers.
Step number two is to like chocolate, some people don't, hard to believe as it is there are some sick puppies who don't eat chocolate for no other reason than they don't want to. Sad cases, although with patience and Moro bars some can be treated and brought back to a normal life.
After that its just a matter of eating the stuff on a regular basis and
before you know it, you'll see a Magnum ad on the telly and find yourself on the way to the all-night petrol station at half past ten on what feels like the coldest night of the year to spend your last few bucks on chocolate ice cream coated in chocolate, dipped in chocolate sauce, then coated in more rich, sweet, creamy, luscious, dark, smooth, where was I? Oh yeah, chocolate. Not that I have any experience of things like that of course.
So to finish off, here's a tip for you aspiring chocoholics out there. The ultimate chocolate rush: A packets of Tim Tams and a big mug of hot chocolate (Milo will do, but hot chocolate is better). Bite off each end of a Tim Tam, seal your lips around one end, suck - feels like a straw doesn't it? Now stick it in the hot chocolate and use it like one. You'll get a mouthful of the hot chocolate, then you'll feel the Tim Tam start to collapse on itself - Quick, stuff it in your mouth. Instant gratification. And don't get me started on Cadbury Chocolate Liqueur!
Well, that extracted my inner woman, now she's about to run to the slot
machine and stuff herself with Peanut Slabs. I keep telling her it'll just go straight to my inner hips, but she doesn't listen, silly cow.
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